Phases 1 2 and three.

And then you realize that I'm not all you need
When you have made yourself all I want
and there are tears in my eyes from
the sorrow

Ok, I tried being poetic, but guess it didn't work. anyways, I'm kinda going through a rough patch. Pumpkin patch. Acne patch (whihc i am addicted to) Uh. where was I.. Ohyeah. I was very sick.. and now. Well.

I guess it's one of those things that was bound to happen.. I know we were inseperable, but i guess like every conjoined twin, there is one that longs to be a part from the other (Ok, this is not a fact, but i am assuming this..) And thought he has not said it, and it may seem like the ball is in my court, it really isn't. Yes, I have to make sacrifices because a relationship involves both sides.

And well, I guess when someone you love says certain things, it becomes a bigger deal. You start to think, am i planning for the future the wrong way? Am i showing too much concern? How mush is too much? What should I care about? What shouldn't I? Am I a control-freak? Am I thinking too much because you say I am thinking too much? Am I crying too much? Should I stop? Should I be questioning myself? Who am I? Who are you? What the hell? Do I love nigahiga?

I guess he is right, and he is right and he is right. He needs time to sepnd with his friends as well. And I can't be selfish like that. So, I guess I will be a lot more free now. Or maybe not.. I plan to embark on some projects of my own the coming holidays.. like making my own pinhole camera! And my three lens camera is arriving in mid-December.. fingers crossed! And oh, I might do what Qinxin does.. Go on a "retreat". Haha.

Anyhoos. I am okay, despite my sounding not so okay. No wait, i take that back, I'm not so okay. but it's okay. It's like the MCR song. I'm not okay. ok, wat, that's not okay, but I'm ok. Or not. Shit. I'm so confused already. Go away thoughts. I am sick enough already as it is.

And then I'm supposed to feel that everything is back to normal? I once made this famous comment (which i took from a book). no man ever needs space.. Unless he's an astronaut. If your dude needs space, it means he wants out. So does he want out? I don't know. He says no. But it certainly feels like it. And what about the feeling of love? How do you know it still exists? there are no nice words, just obligatory feelings, and fumbling words, making small talk , trying to get the spark back.

In our rush to be live our lives we have forgotten how to enjoy life. the journey is as important as the end. But if we only see the end, then we might miss some things along the way.

Ok, sorry i'm emo-ing. I would have posted this on my uber private blog, but i guess. It doesn't matter anymore.

"Anywhere you go, let me go too.. love me... That's all I ask of you"

F.A.Q.

1) Have you and Jevan broken up?
A: Nope. we are still together.. Just that we are not awesome couple. Haha. We are now humans.

2) Why are you making your private life public?
A: Because nobody reads this except you people I love so...

3) Whay are you listening the "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack again?
A: BECAUSE IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

4) Do you have baby guppies in your tank?
A: Yes, there are few fry!! About 7! They are incredibly tiny.. smaller than half of my last fingernail!

Ok that's all I can think iof today. My brain is frazzled. I'm so confused. And absoutely fabulous.

becoming.

I don't think I could ever be real friends with someone who doesn't like (to the extent of hating) animals.

It doesn't matter if you like hamsters or fish or dogs or even *gulp* frogs. The fact is that you have the capability to love another being, that breathes and lives, it certainly says something about you.

And it's okay if you are impartial to them. They're okay, as long as they don't have polarised views I guess.

Sometimes people favour certain animals over others.. It's alright. It's natural to like some animals more than others.

Then there are those who can't because of health reasons.

Ohwell. Doen't mean you can't like them.

I'm so upset and I think I'll just go into my little shell and I think animal lovers will understand in only the way that they can when i say that animals are completely not like people. Even Cray cray will listen to me and she's not judgemental about anything. And she doesn't mind if i don't do well in my exams or if i don't complete my assignments. Or if i don't want to do anything all day.

And i'm not sad to say it, but i love animals a lot more than i like people in general. I like some people, but it's not the same.

Ohwell. Ok, i guess i sound like I'm rambling, and that's what I'm going ot do now is to shut up because i am talking to people and i need to censor myself and i need to restrain some things and hide some truths and maybe tomorrow, when i wake up, i will be an animal.

An earful of trouble.

Today I was in the CATI lab (it's a computer lab of sorts, where each computer is in a little cubicle side by side) printing my readings. So after awhile, I got kind of bored and i decided to watch some videos on Youtube.

So of course, being the considerate person I was, I put in my own headphones. And then i unmuted the thing. And for some reason, I did not check that the volume was on at maximum, and suddenly my ears were blasted with a VERY LOUD talking of the person in the video. So i quicky turned the volume down a bit, just in case my neighbours could hear.

I was enjoying my video, when halfway through (at about 50 seconds) my ear got a little bit itchy. So of course, the natural thing to do was to take out the earplugs right?

And so I did, and thank god i did not pause the video, because when i removed one side of my headphone, i COULD STILL HEAR THE SOUND. And it was definitely LOUD AND CLEAR.

I didn't dare to see how many people were affected by this, and i was wondering what went wrong. So i clicked on everything and I realized to my horror that the headphones were plugged into the "mic" jack.

To everyone in the CATI lab who was affected by my "How to wear fake eyelashes" tutorial, I truly apologise.

But on the bright side, you know how to prep yourself and apply lash glue now!

Carousel

I talk to you every now and then

I never felt so alone again

Somebody's watching me

I always feel like somebody's watching me!
Ok, that was from Rockwell's "Somebody's watching me".

Here at Lee Wee Nam, nobody bothers me. It feels like I was here just over a year ago, blogging in the library. I was probably sitting in one of the isolation chambers.. Hmmm. Anyhoos, it's half an hour to go before the ADdiction meeting.

It's really weird because I swear the guy beside me is grooving to my music (well. He shakes his head and seems to be bopping his head to the music I'm hearing..) but I took off my earphones and I couldn't hear anything coming from them. So. Either he's dancing to a song in his head or my music transcends mental and physical limitations and somehow he can feel it in his soul.

And how did he manage to log on to Windows Live Messenger? Argh. And he's on Facebook too. Oh. He quickly switched back to his Excel spreadsheet. Hah. He thinks I'm not looking. But i KNOW what he's doing.

The sun has set, and it feels much cooler and quieter (i know, because i brought the volume down by 2 bars) now at the library. It's completely dark outside. Ok, well, it would be without the street lights.

Night at the Library.

Ah. In the meantime, I'll just be minding my own business, while the guy beside me and his friend discuss their project. oh and now he's talking so loudly on the phone.. I can hear him even with my music.
"Hi.... and the constant 't'.... how did you get to the... how come it cannot respond.. because i tried to double check and it's supposed to going down.. ohhhhhh oh ok ok ok ok... heheheh..ok never mind... you know delta t shell.. delta 't'.... is it... alamak you... haiz.. then the one.. delta t.. t character.. nooooo.. ok thanks... ok.. i can collect from you tomorrow... ok.. ohhh.. ok thanks..."

Ok, it's terrible to eavesdrop, and even though i had to drop another two bars of volume to hear what he's saying clearly, I have to turn up my volume. OMG. I turned up my volume just as he hung up. Lucky me. I think i have avoided looking suspicious. He has his face in his hands.. he's sighing... and he's back to work. Ha. Well. Ok, i think i sound like a stalker, so I'll just stop here.

Time to go. I think he's watching me from the corner of his eye. And he's telling his friend something. I can't hear. I need to turn my volume down again. aiya. Too slow. Better turn back up before they get suspicious. OK OK. Hmmph! Everytime his friend looks over, he'll be on the excel sheet, but once his friend turns over, he'll be on msn or looking at someone's blog! TSK. Ok, enough!! TIME TO GO NOW.

Sad

How could you forget?

Mosquito on finger.

I just killed a mosquito that was hovering around the index finger of my right hand. Just as it was landing, i smacked it real hard. And it died... In the palm of my other hand.

And I am having pimples on my forehead. Not because of the mosquito.

Jeez.

I feel like I'm sixteen again.

Oh and I drove the car ALONE the other day to Jaspreet's place. Was shaking when i got there. Nothing happened.. Just felt nervous. The drive back alone was nice though.

And I officially sent the first batch of friends home. ALIVE. HAHA!thank you Vannessa, Ching, Raf, and Moon for your patience and not throwing up at the back of the car. Thankfully, none of you needed the emergency helmets. And to my dearest Jevan, thanks for showing me the way (literally). Although there was this moment of tension when i got annoyed and was like, stop telling me how to drive! and everyone in the car was like "Hmmm." but he really is the sweetest.

And thanks to Jaspreet for having us over for Diwali. And you too Monisha. You have the funnest friends! heehee.

I'm totally looking forward to the 31st.. Wah.

And Azimah, you are not forgotten okay.

Guess it's back to school tomorrow.

Who needs Halloween when you've got all the living dead (us, mainly) and the nightmares of projects at school?
Sheesh.

Like the wind.

I drifted today. Drifted..

Followed the greens of the grass and the purple flowers, scattered across the grass. The wind brushed my cheeks, and it made me smile. Oh. It lifted a little piece of plastic that was lying on the floor.. into the drain, and it made a swishing noise as it followed the space defined by the drain.

And I watched a man walk across an open field.

I danced tothe music in my head and sang out loud. Because some feelings you just have to follow.

And I wasn't even in Little India.

food poisoning, the dentist and a lot of headaches.

As the title suggests, I am under a lot of stress.

After the food poisoning incident, I have now recovered and gotten my appettie back.

Oh yes, on that night that i was resting, i accidentally knocked my leg against the metal leg of the table, and split my toe-nail. I now have a soft spot on my toe where there's no nail, cuz i had to cut it off. Much good of a rest, that was.

Went to the dentist yesterday. Ah. All the plaque ahs been removed, and my teeth are now clean. so is my wallet. Well, he said i have tooth decay. Lots of it. And he needs to patch it up a bit of a time. But i know he really just wants my money. hmmph.

Bought a new helmet! FINALLY I HAVE MY FULL FACE helmet!

And oh I've been doing my systems assignment ALL DAY (i'm not kidding. I mean 10am to 10pm) with only the occasional break to go to the toilet and bathe (at 7pm) and it is done.

Man. There are so many things going on this week, and it's just crazy. There's 401, and then i have to visit two exhibitions. I really am beginning to hate my ''Cities, Bodies, Memories In contemporary Singapore'' module. This is the first time i actually resent an arts module and yes. I am going to S/U it. There is just so much work for it and it's not worth it. I can't say i want to be super artsy and "feel" the city and explore my inner psyche in a space or whatever. I ust want a good grade, unfortunately.

And oh, I have to go to little India and "immerse myself in the sights" and dunno what la. Aiya that crazy artsy woman and all those ADM people in the class.. It's mad i tell you MAAAADDD!! ON occasions like these I am glad I am from CS, and I am if anything, normal. And i like normal, thanks.

I like my life to be orderly. I don't need to explore anything out of my comfort zone yet ok. thank you very much. ok. That's it. To much headaches, and some i can point to the source of.















And one of me wearing it. :)